Instapendent

Heart attacks decline after smoking ban - Yahoo! News

In another eposide of studies for dummies, a correlation between tomato softness and pregnancy was observed in rural Georgia. The study found that following a 20% decline in the firmness of tomatos in Alexandria, GA last year that a whopping 25% increase in pregnancies resulted. Researchers are still puzzling over the precise relationship between the fruit and conception, but the numbers are clear.

Kinky Friedman for Governor 2006

If you have a vote, make it a Kinky one!

The dark side of bias in testing…

The average critical reading score fell from 508 to 503, while math dropped from 520 to 518. On the new SAT writing section, the class scored 497 on average, with girls scoring 11 points higher than boys.

The College Board lists three categories for Hispanic students. Scores for Mexican-Americans rose three points overall, Puerto Ricans’ fell two points and scores of students who identified themselves as “Other Hispanic” fell 11 points.

I want to know what our government is going to do about this clearly biased test? Are we going to continue disinfranchise Male - Other Hispanics by giving them such a limited opportunity for success? When will we cease this institutional oppression?

I call for quick and decisive intervention by Washington to correct this travesty of free-market minority abuse. It is the job of government to step in and bully private enterprise in order to give these people the advantage that the Supreme Court struck down in its rulings against preferential quota systems.

Strip shows have been commonly used to attract more mourners to funerals, as villagers believe a crowded send-off brings more honor to the deceased, Xinhua news agency said.

I don’t even know where to begin or end on this one. My grandfather was right. If you live long enough, you will eventually see everything.

A leading US Muslim group said it was disturbed by reports that US authorities were racially profiling passengers at New York’s Kennedy airport.

If this is true:

(a) It is about time. Why would you not racially profile? Anything that statistically increases your odds of preventing terrorism without increasing your costs or violating the constitution should be done. Now we can get into some serious arguments about whether any of these searches are constitutional, but that is another debate.

(b) Since when is Islam a race? Why the hell are muslims in an uproar? I think it would be pretty hard to profile a religion. Aren’t they sterotyping themselves by insinuating that all muslims are Arab? That is ignorant of the fact that most muslims are not Arabic.

I guess these were points that were too complex for this reporter to address in his in-depth article.

The reality star says she loves her new album: “I, like, cry when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

Ya know, I, like, cry when I read these stories. Can her 15 mins be up already???

Mom and dad should be so proud of their little prodigy. Surely, Skanks r Us has another model that we can test drive for awhile!

Team to host Britney Baby Safety Night - Yahoo! News

Fans attending Friday night’s game will receive information on baby car seat safety and a chance to win a free car seat from the American Automobile Association.

Can you hear the sonic boom from the cease and desist headed to New Jersey?

Death’s Mount from Heat Wave???

In Kentucky, an 18-month-old boy was found dead Wednesday inside a van. In Illinois, at least six heat-related deaths were confirmed in Cook County since Sunday, and police believe that another six deaths in Chicago Wednesday could be heat related. Four deaths were reported in Maryland, including three elderly victims who did not have air conditioning, officials said.

In Oklahoma, authorities said a 92-year-old man found near his car Tuesday died of heat-related causes. In Pennsylvania, a 74-year-old custodian was found dead in his bed. An autopsy indicated he died of acute heart disease aggravated by the heat, the coroner said.

This is why, when it comes to statistics, you can’t believe everything that you read or hear. If these are indicative of the deaths that the heat wave is “causing” I submit that the total should be zero.

If I am listing causes of death:

(1) Died of parental stupidity
(2) Died of age
(3) Died of McDonald’s OD

You’ll notice that heat wave was nowhere to be found. Stats don’t lie, or do they???

BTW. I am shocked that no mention of global warming was made in the entire article.

Federal law requires the government to approve or deny a citizenship application 120 days after an immigrant passes the exam.

It’s taking a lot longer than that for Yousuf Bhaghani, 35, who immigrated from Pakistan 17 years ago. Bhaghani, one of the 10 immigrants in the lawsuit, said he passed the citizenship exam in 2002, and has been waiting for an answer ever since.

“In my heart, I’m already an American in every way,” said Bhaghani. “Now I want to be able to fully participate as a citizen.”

This guy is as American as apple pie. What says America better than a good ole lawsuit? Let’s swear him in! In my book, he is 100% certified American now.

Seriously, why are we allowing non-citizens to sue our government, in our courts, for anything? They aren’t freaking Americans! American courts are for American citizens with American problems. If these wannabe Americans have an axe to grind with our government I suggest they contact their government for help. As far as I’m concerned, they can take a flying leap until they become US citizens. We owe them nothing.

I can fix this f-ing problem for them. How about we close our f-ing borders, and send their asses back to the third world until hell freezes over. I am sorry, but they are already here: they are paying taxes, using services, and living the American dream. Quit bitching, be patient, or get the f- out.

How we ever won two world wars is beyond me. Clearly we lost our balls in the last one or at a minimum our ability to use them.

For some in Washington, commuting’s a slug-fest - Yahoo! News

Each workday, members of a unique breed of commuters known as “slugs” line up, sometimes at regular bus stops, sometimes at special areas. Chatting quietly, they wait for strangers to pick them up and drive them to the office, or home at the end of the day.

The name was so catchy that I couldn’t resist. An interesting lesson in free markets. Supply and demand working their magic, as they always do.